Can't breathe
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: The world may see Seguchi Tohma as the man who can conquer anything, but why is it Suguru's the only one who understands him the most? (pairing: Tohma + Suguru)


Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own gravi. She's just in love with the Gravitation characters.  
  
One time when we were all having a family trip, when I was rubbing my towel over my wet hair, my cousin Touma had a notebook out on his bed. He was in the bathroom getting for bed, but I stared at that notebook wondering if I should pass by it and pretend I hadn't read it when he came out.  
  
I looked at the bathroom door and stopped trying to dry my hair as my eyes glided back towards that damn notebook. And like human nature's irrational sense of curiosity pulsating throughout my body, I gave into that temptation.  
  
I tiptoed to the next bed and read a few words feeling as if I were uncovering some deep secret from my cousin's unwavering attitude of coolness.   
  
Maybe I had crossed the line of decency that day as I gasped a little while thinking that I had eaten an apple from the Tree of Knowledge in the ancient Garden of Eden.   
  
As the bathroom door was being opened, I immediately rushed over to my bed and sat down pretending to be still drying my hair. He smiled at me and said, "Ready for bed? We've got a long day at the concert tomorrow. I'm glad you came with me, Suguru-kun."  
  
When I smiled sheepishly at him as he turned off the light, we said good night to one another. I turned over with my back facing him.  
  
The words were completely before me with his clear and beautiful writing that equaled a girl's:  
  
"If I had not touched him, maybe I wouldn't have felt this way.   
  
But I didn't touch him. He was the one who touched me. Whatever that means, I don't know now."  
  
I didn't understand these words and I knew they weren't meant for me. But something was truly wrong as my heart was beating faster and faster in my little body when I was only twelve-years-old.  
  
That wasn't the Seguchi way of thinking at all. A Seguchi always knew what to say and do as if it had been written in our very genes to be so clear-headed and cruel at the same time. That was in our blood.  
  
I could never look at him the same way ever again.  
  
Can't breathe.  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Ever since I was little, I would always become excited whenever Touma would come over. I'd run down the stairs of the house and jump into his arms like an idiot.   
  
"What did you bring for me today?" I would ask each time.  
  
He would laugh and my father would get annoyed that I was so insistent that Touma had to pay some kind of toll in order to come into our house. And every time, behind father's back, he would put his index finger to his lips and hand me some candy.  
  
I didn't understand why I always expected something from him, but it had become a custom. I guess it was because I was probably the only person that really didn't ask anything from him, so he looked at me as some kind of refuge rather than an oppressor of expectation.  
  
Then again, because he was so harsh on himself, I had adapted that too.  
  
Perfection was something that infected all our family members and I was no different from getting bitten from that bug.  
  
He would sometimes teach me how to use the synthesizer, but I would look at him wide-eyed thinking I couldn't do it. "You can do it," he encouraged, always with that smile that I had learned to love and hate at the same time.  
  
In time, I would learn that from him too.  
  
It came to the point that I started to play piano by myself and he wasn't giving me lessons anymore. Instead, we were going on walks around the neighborhood, mostly to the playground. He and I would have talks while we sang.  
  
I never understood that even though we had such an age-gap that he would spend so much time with me.  
  
But when you're a child, you don't think too much about this type of stuff, right?  
  
"What do you see up there?" he had asked me while point up to the sky.  
  
"Stars," I simply answered, like a typical seven-year-old.  
  
Then, he looked at me, "Who do you think you are?"  
  
"Hmm?" I shook my head while blinking at him in confusion. Even though I observed people and kept to myself, Touma was the only one who treated me like a mini-adult. He asked me these type of questions out of the blue even though I couldn't completely understand.  
  
Now, when I think back, I understand him more than ever. And why he asked them.  
  
"What do you want to be when you grow up, Suguru-kun?" My cousin asked as he folded his hands together. The leather gloves and its fingers intertwined while I adjusted my scarf because I felt like I was being choked all of a sudden.  
  
In all honesty and innocence, I got off my swing, put my hands on his knees and looked up to his eyes. These eyes that always advised me on what to do. The ones that always knew what the hell was happening in the world and if he wanted something, he made it happen within his grasp. With all sincerity, I smiled and answered, "I want to be like you, Cousin."  
  
He gave me an awful smile. A blank one to appease himself and me.  
  
It was a smile that I had learned he would give if he was troubled, but didn't want the world to know.  
  
I didn't recognize it then, but after looking at him for all those years and the years after that, I had learned over time.  
  
Closing his eyes as the snow began to rain in slow-motion snowflakes, he hugged me and put me on his lap. Holding me tightly, he shook his head. "No, you don't want to be like me, Suguru-kun."  
  
"But why?" I looked up into his eyes as these unfamiliar sad eyes looked down at me. "I think you're the greatest!"  
  
His eyes were surprised for a moment and his features softened to reveal the familiar warm smile that I had been accustomed to all my life. Holding my cheeks, he kissed my forehead. "Thank you."  
  
"You don't think so?" I asked him as I jumped from his lap and pulled his hand.  
  
Messing up my hair, he laughed. "You're sweet and honest. That's why you can't ever be like me."  
  
"I…I don't understand."  
  
While going home, he shook his head. "No, you shouldn't understand that now."  
  
As the years went by, we drifted apart as he became more and more busy with making preparations for Nittle Grasper as well as trying to establish his own record company. It was a mesh of things mixed in between such as meeting so many people and getting acquainted with the new family members when he was getting married soon.   
  
I met Mika-san and I liked her immediately, thinking she was perfect for him. I nodded at the one called Tatsuha-san, thinking that our obsession over music would be something that we could get along with.  
  
But Eiri.  
  
At the dinner, Touma smiled at him in a gentle way that I had never seen before and I turned away thinking that it was just my imagination.  
  
I was mad at the fact that Touma could be so sweet to someone other than me.  
  
On the other hand, I was getting older and getting more and more serious with my music. My father, who had thought it was necessary to have a hobby, was getting upset at the fact that I was gradually trying to make it my way of life. My mother was the one who was on my side saying that as long as I was happy, that was what counted.  
  
She said this to me with this look on her face that I couldn't comprehend. It was the one that Touma had given and somehow I kind of figured that Touma had learned this from my mother. I wondered if there would come a time that I too would feel this way about life.  
  
But everything was still so big around me so I couldn't possibly have thought that the world was something that just revolved. What went around was what came around.  
  
--  
  
Touma asked me to go on one of the tours while I was having Spring Break when I was twelve. That was the time that I had looked at his notebook and wished I hadn't.  
  
There was something wrong with it.  
  
The image I had of my 'perfect' cousin had deteriorated somewhat. It was different from all the talks about girls, music, school, etc. No, I understood my cousin better than anyone would care to admit.  
  
I may have been so many years behind him in experience and expertise, but no one dared to protest that I was the one who could read Touma so well. But if I felt this way, he could read me just as well.  
  
Touma had always been 'human' to me, despite all the things I heard around me being spread. Not one word came from my mouth, though.  
  
I didn't know if what he had written had shocked me because he was gay. Or, had he loved someone other than Mika-san? I didn't know and I didn't want to know. That was none of my business.  
  
What worried me was that could he love anyone else _besides_ Mika-san? And a man? Why did he write what he did?   
  
Ah, the limitless possibilities and my wasted nights trying to look for an answer that wasn't meant for my consumption.  
  
Whatever it had meant, something bothered me to no end. And the question that kept on coming up was: "He loved someone else…he loved that person far more…"  
  
Atypical from other males, Touma took me out to the same playground we used to visit when I was little when he should have had some formal bachelor party before his wedding the next day. I just thought that he wanted to have some quiet time alone, and half of that was right.  
  
"What do you see up there, Suguru-kun?" he asked me with a straight face and his gloved hands holding onto the chains to each side of him.  
  
I opened my eyes a bit in shock and laughed. "Isn't that what you asked me when I was seven?"  
  
"So it is," he nodded to himself as if he were only telling himself. "But what is your answer now."  
  
Growing into this quiet person that never really said anything, I looked at him and hesitated a moment before answering, "From this height, I see more stars."  
  
I laughed as I looked at him.  
  
"You are so childish," he told me while smiling at me enigmatically.  
  
I pouted a bit and asked, "Why?"  
  
"You've not changed since you were kid, and yet, you have."   
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" I swung and kept my hands on the chains loosely.  
  
Instead of answering me, he questioned, "Who do you think you are?"  
  
This time, I had an answer. I knew that this question would come up again because that's just how we were. That's how he was.  
  
Somehow, he had to have some kind of answer if he didn't get it the first time.  
  
"I'm a thirteen-year-old who's trying to figure out if I can make my dream come true."  
  
He shook his head. "Answer again."  
  
"What? I thought that was a good answer."  
  
"Nope, answer again, Suguru-kun."  
  
I was silent for a moment.   
  
Then, I got off the swing and didn't face him. Looking up to the sky, I replied, "I have two good parents who provide me with enough money to live on and a good name with it. I go to a good school that will bring me to the best companies in Japan if I try hard. I've been told I am a music prodigy because I have a new sound. I have many things people envy."  
  
Turning around I told him, "I have learned to smile when I'm really irritated. I have learned to be quiet about what I want when I should say it instead. I…"  
  
Knowing what he was going to ask me, I strongly said with tears in my eyes, "I want to be happy when I grow up!"  
  
Getting upset, I backed away from him. "What…why are you doing this to me?"  
  
Holding up his hand to my cheek, he tilted his head and looked deeply into my eyes. "I knew you would understand. You're the only one who understands me, Suguru-kun."  
  
These eyes…  
  
These eyes were so different…  
  
I shook my head and backed away from him, wanting him not to touch me. Something was happening and I didn't like it.  
  
I hated the way he was looking at me.  
  
I was looking back at him just as sincerely.  
  
All my denied feelings were coming out to the surface and I couldn't hold it in anymore. This confusion was making me dizzy as I stood there in front of him, wanting to physically run away.  
  
Wanting to understand, but not wanting to at the same time.  
  
He was hurting me and I wanted to cry. I blinked at him saying, "You're the one hurting me, Touma. Of all the people I knew, I didn't know it would be you who would hurt me the most."  
  
I blurted at him, "I was so jealous when I saw that boy called Eiri. You looked at him different from all the people I've ever seen you with. Even with me. Even if _I_ knew you the most."  
  
"Suguru-kun…"  
  
Realizing what a stupid fool I had been, I looked at him coming closer and closer to me.  
  
"Don't come near me…" I warned desparately. "I'm leaving."  
  
Shaking my head, I turned around. "Forget what I said. I never said anything."  
  
"No…" he said as he embraced me from behind. Tightly, he hugged me and I couldn't resist it. "Remember when you told me you wanted to be like me when you grew up? You were wrong, Suguru. You don't want to become like me. Until now, you're still honest and sweet. Don't ever lose that."  
  
Tears started to stain his gloves as I hung my head.  
  
"I know you read my notebook that night," he whispered into my ear.   
  
I closed my eyes tighter. I didn't want to hear it was Eiri…  
  
"It would never work," he said as he let go of me. Pushing off his gloves from his hand, he turned me around and pulled my cheeks to kiss him.  
  
"Only you understand me, Suguru," he told me with sad eyes.  
  
"I…" I didn't know what to say, but I understood now what he was trying to tell me.  
  
Looking at him in awe, still feeling the warmth of his kiss, he told me, "Eiri reminded me of you."  
  
I looked at him in shock and feeling the full force of it.  
  
After all this time…  
  
Thinking that it was Eiri and all those questions running through my head were now shushed. New ones came to me, but…  
  
"That was me all along…" I finally said, not believing the words that came from my own mouth.  
  
I shook my head. "This is wrong…"  
  
I looked up into his face. "This is wrong…"  
  
"Tell me what's wrong," he asked me while looking at me even deeper than before.  
  
He pulled my hand and we drove his car to the studio. Pushing ourselves into his office, he kissed me as he whispered into my ear, "Tell me what's wrong?"  
  
"How do I answer that?" I questioned as he began to pull off my shirt.  
  
We were cousins…  
  
He was getting married to one of the most amazing women that I had ever met…  
  
We were almost fifteen years apart…  
  
We were both guys…  
  
But I kissed him back anyway. This was my only chance…  
  
"It's wrong because it is," I breathlessly said as he pushed me against the door while I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.  
  
"You shouldn't love me," I whispered into his ear.  
  
At that moment, he stopped as he hugged me tightly. He was trying not to cry as he did so, but he held onto me as if he would die if he didn't. We slipped to the ground as I kept my arms around him.  
  
The person he wouldn't show to anyone…  
  
The weak person Seguchi Touma could be…  
  
He could only be honest with me.  
  
"It's not that I shouldn't, but I do, Suguru," he finally answered. Grabbing onto the back of my shirt, he shook his head. "Everything and everyone around me is connected to someone and something else around me. I'm trapped and I can't get away.  
  
"Then, there's you. Even though you're in this godforsaken system, you defy it at the same time. You understand all the idiosyncrasies and abominations that I hate about this life. You don't look at what I can do for you."  
  
Holding my face again with his cold hands, he said, "You don't expect anything from me, except that I continue to care about you. That's all."  
  
He sighed. "I'm so tired, Suguru…"  
  
It was then that I hugged him tighter than before with all the feelings I could never say.   
  
I love this person.  
  
This person who's so confused even though he looks like he has everything in order.  
  
I closed my eyes and kissed him on the lips.   
  
Now…  
  
Now I understand everything that you were trying to tell me all these years. What you were trying to teach me.  
  
That you had to defy whatever came to your path. That you would have to fight what and whom you wanted to become. That there would always be a sacrifice from a piece of your mind, heart, and soul, when the time called for it to be done. You had to choose and your destiny lied there.  
  
That you could love someone, but how to _really_ love someone was totally different.   
  
Taking care of them and caring for their well-being was different from making them happy with your own hands. Sometimes, it just wasn't you even if you wanted to.  
  
Then, pulling on my shirt, I left him saying, "Take good care of Mika-san."  
  
With that, I left.  
  
We saw each other in the wedding and pretending nothing had ever happened, even though we looked at each other from time to time. I gave Mika-san a music box with 'love story' as its theme, thinking it would be ironic that I gave her such a bittersweet gift. And I gave Touma his trademark gloves that he never would take off from them on, unless he needed to.  
  
Strangely, it was his way of never really touching anyone…  
  
He only took off those gloves voluntarily one time. And that was for me…  
  
That's why it hurt me when he introduced me to Bad Luck. His words stung me as I learned to fully inherit the Seguchi's enigmatic smile.  
  
"This is Fujisaki Suguru. Didn't I tell you he was my cousin?"  
  
I left that day with the words of his notebook in front of my eyes:  
  
"If I had not touched him, maybe I wouldn't have felt this way.   
  
But I didn't touch him. He was the one who touched me. Whatever that means, I don't know now."  
  
I couldn't breathe whenever I thought of these and was reminded of the way he kissed me.  
  
That's how much I understood him…  
  
…and how much I cared for him in return.  
  
So intense, we couldn't breathe.  
  
owari.  
  
--  
  
author's note: I know I must be some freak of nature thinking of a fanfic per day. * wince, wince * Well, it could be that this is the only time I could do all the fics while I still can before work, school, and all that great RL stuff come to interrupt my anime and bishounen hunting.  
  
Actually, I keep on aiming to make fics that aren't run of the mill, even not typical for my own story line. ^^;;; I've had this fic in my head for quite some time, but not as long as some others I've got a list for on my hard drive. What I'm blabbering about is that this is kind of crossing the line, but I hope that it was descent and handled tastefully. It's a difficult subject to write on as your main focus. At least, for me. I've seen this before in real life. ^^;;; It's just hard to be between the line of disgusting and aesthetic. Then again, that's art in general, ne?  
  
Gosh…I think this is one of my favorite ones to write. It's so twistedly sweet! 


End file.
